Where Tinsel Meets Tension: Navigating Silly Season Stress
/~5 min read
As lovely as this time of year can be, it also places additional stress, both positive and negative, on people. While things like finances, planning and preparation, and battling crowds contribute to this, what I’ve found most detrimental to people is the social stress.
For those missing loved ones, the grief is emphasised. For those coming together with loved ones, a minefield of expectation and emotion often reverberates through the festive symphony of holiday mingling.
Below are my Top 3 Tips to avoid jingling all the way to social exhaustion.
1. Reframe expectations. You’re still you on the 25th, and so is everyone else. It’s not realistic to expect ourselves to feel much different than we normally do. When we go into something expecting a certain experience, we are more likely to place unrealistic demands on ourselves, and others, and suffer when our expectation of how things “should” be isn’t realized. Practice accepting what is, and finding a way to celebrate it, rather than trying to change or control things – you might just be surprised to find there are a multitude of paths that can lead to yuletide bliss if you allow it.
2. Prepare to manage triggers. Our subconscious is predominantly shaped by our family of origin, and the reality is that no-one gets out of childhood without picking up some limiting beliefs about themself. This means that no-one is going to push your buttons like the people you grew up with. It’s normal for our worst behaviour and biggest insecurities to come up around family. It’s important to acknowledge this rather than resisting it. If you notice your composure unwrapping like unexpected presents, take a pause – our first reaction is rarely a helpful one. This isn’t about trying to prove anything to others, that’s a dead end. Instead, the north star in the situation is that this angel in grinch’s clothing has pointed you towards parts of yourself that probably make you vulnerable in other situations too, because they need some love, and has served you up the perfect opportunity to do this - be it in the moment, in reflection after the fact, or with the help of a friend or therapist at some point.
3. Know how to say “No” when you need to. Implicit social expectations around things like attending events, bringing certain dishes or gifts, or behaving a certain way can be immense at this time of year. But if these things are done from a place of obligation rather than conscious choice, there will always be negative consequences - for your immediate well-being, and in the relationship long term. Ask yourself whether, all factors considered, you CHOOSE to do something, and if the answer is yes, do it without resentment. If you can’t find a place within from which you take responsibility for a choice, consider whether you could find a solution that does feel ok, like allowing yourself to leave early, spending less on gifts, or declining a certain invitation altogether. It’s also helpful to practice the micro “no”, so when that passive aggressive coworker bails you up, you smile, and let them know it’s great to see them, but you really must help hand around some food. This doesn’t make you a bad person. We all only have so much energy in a day, and we choose where we invest it. Sometimes, no matter how gracefully delivered, people might not like our boundaries. While this doesn’t mean we shouldn’t enforce them, we do need to be willing, and able, to accept the consequences that might arise from dropping a No-Ho-Ho in deciding what to do.
These skills require a certain amount of mindfulness. If you’re too busy rushing around like a headless turkey to notice how you feel, how tense your body is, or what’s happening with your breath, you’re more likely to either bottle things up and collapse later or blow up and project your feelings on to someone else.
So amidst all the action, be sure to check in with yourself, perhaps whenever you take a toilet break, or pour a drink, to scan your body, take note of how tense you are on a scale of 1-10, label any emotions you might be feeling and why you’re feeling them, and perhaps any physical or emotional needs you have in that moment that are going unaddressed.
Then remind yourself that your feeling makes sense, thank your body for telling you what it needs, and pat yourself on the back for doing the most important work of all in allowing your own cup to genuinely runneth over. Because this, in my opinion, is the true spirit of giving.
